stitches come loose to show
skin
on the backs on stars
and shows an unnatural blueness
against the blueblood of your coat
the Parisian hot sun beats down on
us
a tattoo of rays blinding what
right it front of our eyes
bloody from the onslaught of
lies and truth comprised in
the telling
a cup of coffee in your hand
blotches with sparkled vision
the steam rising in wisps
crawling upwards like a
caterpillar
we are here
yet we are not here
in this French inspired paradise
with the sweltering sun
and the petite cafés
Je t’aime
you’re so proud
of the French you learned
that night in Calais
while we waited for the taxi
that never came
I’d tell you I’d rather
be in some country hideaway
that here
but you paid for the tickets
and wanted, pleaded so much
for me to follow
you know I can’t resist you
it’s not sane
but I’m loosing my sanity here
with the ache of home
ripping me out at the seams
Je t’aime
mon chéri
Je t’aime
but I’m dying
unable to breathe
as you smother
the ability to wonder and
dream
you’re the artist
and I’m the muse
you have told me that many a time
you need me
but I’m losing my sanity here
that can’t be valuable for either
for you or for me
stitches come loose to show
torn stuffing
from the inside of me
and shows an unnatural spread of darkness
against the blackblood of your love
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
Hey there! I'm here to review another one of your poems! c:
I think this is my favourite so far. You have such beautiful lines and phrases and comparisons. I also love how you added French phrases throughout. It adds to that light, sweet feeling, but later we see that this poem is not so light and sweet. I love how the mood shifts from something sweet to something dark. I also love the repetition of the first stanza at the very end; you had a variation so it wasn't boring or very repetitive, and it really closed the poem in a nice way. And the "stitches come loose" is a really good metaphor; I love the way you described what was hiding behind those stitches. This is a really nice poem! I have a few things I'd like to mention, if you don't mind. These are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to!
The first thing I'd like to mention is capitalization. It is a stylistic choice in poetry, so you definitely don't have to listen to this, but I have a suggestion. I think it would be cool if you could lowercase your "I"s to a lowercase i, especially since everything else is lowercase as well. That way, the French phrases would also stand out a bit more. It was good choice to italicize those phrases! And those places you mentioned, like France, would also stand out more.
The next thing I'd like to mention is that I like how this poem is divided into stanzas. It makes this a more enjoyable read and less intimidating. Your other poems were big block of texts, but this looks really nice and neat!
The next thing I'd like to mention is punctuation. You barely use any commas or periods, but I really think that several places could use punctuation. For example, I'll take on stanza and add punctuation where I personally see fit.
(I also added an "and" before "blotches" and changed "vision" to "visions" and removed the "the" before "steams") But this is just a suggestion!
Now on to specific lines!
I personally wouldn't put "skin" on a different line, but it's not bad if you do! Also, it should be "and show an unnatural blueness" not "shows" since your subject is plural (stitches). I also think that "on the back of stars" sounds better than "on the back on stars" because of the repetition of "on."
I first thought that I personally wouldn't put "us" on a different line, but looking back on it, putting it on a different line emphasizes the idea of "us" so I like it now! Do you need an "is" after "what" so it reads better? Because right now it doesn't make sense to me. Also, "right it front" should be "right in front." So if you put those things together, it would read "a tattoo of rays blinding what is right in front of our eyes" I also love these lines!
Same thing here. "and shows" should be "and show"
Overall, I think you did a really good job with this poem, and I hope this helped! <3
The poetry that I'm talking about, I ussually don't get a chance to write down. By the time I get a pen and paper in front of me, I forget it.
But, I'm way overdue for a post.
thank you dear. yes I love French, I am currently in the equivalent of french 5 at my school. such a pretty language.
CL
PS. you should post some of your poetry. I should like to see it.
This is a really good poem.
I could kind of tell what you were talking about the way you put it because it was kind of my style of poetry, none of which I have posted.
French is such a pretty language.